You're 100 Feet Off The Ground

I work 84 hours a week. I have so much time to think.

I want to move to a city.
I want to live a lot of places.
One day I will have traveled the world.

I want my bike to work again. I haven't rode it in a week. I want to start out biking one day and decide not to turn back home.

Working around dangerous equipment or high above the ground (really in any dangerous situation) I can't help but think of the worst case scenario, if only for a second.
I imagine myself getting plowed by a train.
Falling down the elevator shaft.
Leaping 100 ft. to the gravel below.
Losing fingers or limbs. I am terrified of dismemberment. I obsess over it sometimes.

I'm beginning to enjoy my job quite a lot, but thats the way it always starts out.
For me, jobs are a lot like relationships - they're only fun for so long, after that you suffer through them when you know the best thing to do is just walk out.

Nobody challenges me. Ever.

Sometimes I fear I'll be single for life.
Some days I think it would be alright.

I think about my friend in Chicago who in any other situation would be more than my friend. Lucky for us I guess.
I think about her a lot, especially early in the morning. I have to stop thinking about her when I become too aroused.

I think about all my friends and how often I don't see them. I fear we will only become more and more distant.

Sometimes I want to accuse my mother of being too republican or living with too much fear.

I'd like to buy a lot of things with my money but never buy anything. I often feel like I don't need anything.
I spend a lot of time, not a lot of money. To me, time is more valuable than money.
When I'm not spending time I'm sleeping.

I really want a pair of Wrangler jeans and a pair of cowboy boots.

I want to live with less contradictions, myself.

I want to make more things. For me creation is more valuable than consumption.

I never want a fancy vehicle.
I'd like an old truck with a bench seat. Maybe just a moped. maybe just a bicycle. Something I could wrench on in the garage until i've had too much beer.

Someday I want to be a farmer. A poor farmer, with a vintage red and white dump truck and a sense of humor.
I want to wave at every car I pass.
I want some barnyard animals. Any animals will do.

I want to have a wife, or maybe just a really good companion, someone to love regardless the title.
Someone to garden with.
Some one to weld metal with.
Someone who will allow me to put weird sculptures in the yard.
Someone I can record music with in the living room.

I want to have an abundance of musical instruments around the house for my children. I want to show them really good albums. I want to listen to the stereo at the dinner table.
I want to give them unique names.

I never want to win the lottery.




This whole thing seems really selfish. Fortunately for me I could be happy without any of it.